“You are one thing only. You are a Divine Being. An all-powerful Creator. You are a Deity in jeans and a t-shirt, and within you dwells the infinite wisdom of the ages and the sacred creative force of All that is, will be and ever was.” —Anthon St. Maarten
I open with this beautiful quote in recognition of the Absolute Sacred truth of it. I came to experience this truth firsthand. But not without a great journey of great loss.
I lost everything.
The career I meticulously built from scratch. My business. My credibility. My friends. My savings. My car. Everything that mattered to me. Even my marriage. Gone.
What would you do?
I was in so much pain and despair. My life as I thought I knew it was over. I kept thinking about ways to stop the pain, even suicide, as a way to extract myself from life given that I believed at that moment that I had nothing left to offer. Actually this would go over and over in my mind obsessively regarding when and how I would “do it”.
I obsessively tried just about every method to manage the pain to try to stop the virtual tidal wave of the feelings that felt hellish including self hypnosis, affirmations, seeing a psychotherapist, Mantra, chanting, fasting, talking to friends and family. Nothing helped these very intense feelings that were incredibly overwhelming. They were feelings I did not want to feel. I wanted to escape the horrible feeling of the loss of a career, a beautiful relationship, my car, my livelihood, my money, and fame. I felt myself becoming the laughing stock of society, the forgotten, banned from the tribe, with no place to call home.
I looked in the mirror and simply did not know who I was anymore. Because of this swirling dervish of panic and perpetual pain, it literally felt like hell on earth. I had become unrecognizable to even myself.
As my life and identity began to unravel, the truth on the other hand began to unfold and reveal itself. Then it dawned on me:
I had never really known who I was truly. In the darkness of my despair, I hit absolute rock bottom. I felt fully the weight of the realization, based on the context of my worldly beliefs, that I was essentially nothing and no one.
A feeling of deep dark gloom came over me. I had become death.
I asked in despair: “Who am I? If there is a God, please help me.” Then fell into a deep, dreamless sleep as I felt myself slip into the abyss.
After what appeared to be days, I felt as if I had died. Every aspect of my life was falling away. Still gripped in pain and fear, I then heard the most beautiful angelic voice:
“You are not who you think you are.”
I sat, perplexed, trembling in my own emotional implosion. I barely noticed the dried tears being poured over by new tears streaming down my face. My whole body shook. “Yes I know. You’re right. I have absolutely no idea who I am”, I said.
“That you don’t know who you are is the true source of why you are suffering”, challenged the voice. “This suffering is the inevitable conclusion of existing in the twilight slumber of the unawake. We have been watching you for a very long time. So here we are at last. Do you want us to assist you?”, asked the voice.
“Yes, please”, I muttered weakly, “but who are you?”
”We are your Divine Guides, in answer to deep and genuine call of your Heart and Soul. Our duty is to answer the call of those who are ready.”, the voice said.
Suddenly I began to get very still inside and a surreal calm swept over me. A thought entered into my awareness: I had been defining myself all my life by all of these human factors. These things I thought were so important, the things I’ve been defining myself by, were just illusions. Only a fraction of who I truly am. These illusions are not truth. I am not any of those things. None of these are real or true.
For so long, I’ve lived with the illusion of who I thought others thought I should be, essentially losing connection to my True Self. In this calmness, I began to see these illusions falling off of me like scales.
I then found myself stepping back into a nondescript cavern outside of life. From this vantage point, I had a front row seat and began to witness and observe my mind, feelings, my thoughts as something outside of myself. I felt a strange sort of peace which swept over me and a rush of joy which felt like universal unconditional love swelling up underneath me which began to fill my entire consciousness. I felt the presence of a deep abiding peace. I heard a gentle hum in my ears like the sound underneath all of life.
With a twinkle of mirth, the voice, sounding both powerful and kind, said, “You are safe. Your right to free will was upheld. We could not interfere without the express permission by you as a creator to intercede on your behalf. Now we can assist and heal. Your experience as of late, though very uncomfortable, was not a punishment. Each soul has a specific formula to awaken and this was yours. You’ve been asleep for nearly this entire lifetime, gingerly picking the guidance you could fathom yet ignoring the deeper signs we’ve been giving you. This is only an acknowledgement of what has been and not a judgement of you. We love you with a more than human love. You are now at the beginning of your own spiritual awakening to the truth of who you really are. You are now ready.”
“We are very aware of the questions you’ve been asking and the yearnings of your heart. Making a difference is important to you and if you are open to guidance, we will help. Are you willing?“
“Yes”, I replied.
“You don’t actually attract what you want. You attract who you are.”
“While this statement may seem to support the so-called Law of Attraction, there is far more to this process and concept of creating the life of your dreams than what currently exists in the world. All are constantly creating all the time, every single moment.
“You are a creator. You have been a creator always , are now, and always will be.
“In the case with spiritual awakening, the answers aren’t “out there”. A spiritual awakening reveals that all the things you thought you were, you aren’t, and that all you seek in the universe is already inside you. Waking up is removing the blinders that the ego had so inconspicuously placed over your ability to know that, keeping you in the dark.
“The best way to “attract” your highest destiny is knowing who you truly are. It is the only way to alleviate the internal suffering that propelled you to wake up. Love is the essence of your true authentic self. The ego, on the other hand, is completely drenched with fear. Fear is its byword and motivation.
“In fact, the Ego IS Fear.
“The Ego is essentially terrified. It means well and one of its motivations is that it wants to keep you safe. But because it is not self aware, it will do anything it can to prevent you manifesting any life where it is absent from your own.
“The universal default is set to record everything you think, feel, believe. It doesn’t stop at the 30 minutes each morning you take to center to manifest. Abundance is a way of life and at the center of that is living that life as an Awakened Self also known as the True Self.
“When asking who you are, it may be easier to understand who you are not. You are not your mind, nor your emotions. You are not this feeling of fear, paranoia, anxiety, smallness, or depression. You are not your bank account or your job. You are not your success or lack thereof. You are not your ego or the color of your hair or skin or eyes or gender. You are not this clay you call yourself.
“No one can supply the answer to you of who you are if you are not any of these. The Ego is unable to realize itself. It is asleep. And wants to stay that way. The same mind that created the problem cannot solve the problem. The only way to solve the problem is to evolve into a new mind.
“Regarding the Law of Attraction, there is truly no way to do it well without first having an awakening. The true law of attraction begins by first Waking Up.
“An awakening means that you’re truly free to decide and choose your destiny – not a life lived from the Ego but one we live from the Soul. You define your life with love – not fear. An awakening disentangles you from the false self – you know the one: that one inside who is living from fear via the ego. That false self needs a constant supply of validation to shore up its sagging ego. It’s terrified. Awakening is the opposite of narcissism. The awakened self doesn’t need popular opinion to define itself by.
“To awaken means to unleash the floodgates of true abundance by reconnecting to who YOU are – not this clay flesh attempting to define you through society by your name, your job, possessions, relationships, wealth or lack thereof. These are false markers used as identity designations. Defining ourselves from them ultimately leads us to despair and suffering, keeping us off balance, preventing our inevitable discovery of True Self within YOU fully embodying here on Earth and optimally living fully from the Soul.
“Living a life from the Soul means you’re now ready to create. When you are connected to who you are, you are connected to the fires of creation. Life becomes a blank canvas that you as a creator get to manifest fully, resting upon the shoulders of living and loving life as your True Self. For me there is no other way. For to get what you want, offer what others don’t know they want, yet – but will know it when they finally see it: your demonstration of you showing up completely to life in your true, genuine, authentic, powerful, peaceful and beautiful wise self.
“Changing yourself is the only way to change the world and start seeing mountains moving outside of you as a direct mirror to the mountains you’re moving on the inner. It all starts by freeing yourself from fear. In doing so, you may then set the world on fire with your passion to let love lead instead.
“To recap: You are not your mind, thoughts, feelings or ego. You are not your career, wealth, or titles. If you are not any of that, who & what are you? Source buried a seed of itself within you for you to discover. The answer you seek is also seeking you.”
“Regarding your new life and path: Are you willing to know who you are and when you do, act on it? We want you to utilize ALL your gifts – not just your creative music abilities but also your writing, communications and spiritual sponsorship of others ready and willing to awaken from the slumber of the ego to reclaim their optimum life and destiny. We want you to utilize and implement, in a practical manner, your understanding of the Sacred Mathematics of Music, Energy Clearing, Sound Healing, and assist other practitioners of yoga, health spas and spiritual teaching by supporting their needs in music, recording and sound design for guided meditations and audio books. Also, become a facilitator of the Soul. Assist others ready to blossom in their own awakening and self realization. Facilitate that process. Show up to your true mission and purpose. We will assist you. We are blessing you in your walk and we love you.”
Thus began my walk into uncharted territory: to know the way, go the way and show the way. My divine guides then blessed me with a golden elixir of pure light that they poured over me. The fear and anguish was but a distant memory. I am ready to begin my walk as I had originally intended.
Live from the Soul. Know who you are. Reconnect to your True Self and therefore reconnect to your Highest Destiny..